Ask Brenda // Pastor Brenda Young
Am I Really Supposed To Forgive and Forget?
Seriously. That question is like "is cleanliness next to godliness?" It sounds good, and it's been repeated so often, people think it's in the Bible. But neither idea is. Being clean is excellent, but many other things have more likeness to godliness than that. And forgetting what we forgive? Sometimes we never forget, even though our forgiveness is deep and sincere.
How did we come up with this idea? "Forgive and forget" most likely comes from places that tell how God treats our sins. "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." Psalm 103:12 and "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." Isaiah 43:25/Hebrews 8:12. Micah 7:19 says God throws our sins in the depths of the sea when we are forgiven – that's where people got the idea of "the sea of God's forgetfulness," which isn't in the Bible.
But God can never forget—He is God, after all. Those verses mean is that God will never change his mind about forgiving our sins. He will never think, "OK, Brenda. You screwed up again, so now everything is back on the table." Even though He knows my past, God will never bring up my forgiven sins to me again. He will never allow His knowledge to affect his relationship with me, so it's as good as if He had forgotten it. Isn't that wonderful?
Humans are not able to do that as perfectly as God. 😊 When someone sins against us in a way that deeply wounds us, we need God's special help. He does not ask us to forget what has happened to us, but He does ask us to do as he does and be willing to not allow the knowledge of what they did to affect our relationship with them. Sometimes we want to wait to forgive until we don't hurt or remember anymore. That's not what Jesus did. He could have waited until he was alive again to forgive, but He forgave when he was in the middle of his deepest pain on the cross (Luke 23:24)
Martin Luther King explained it: "Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden or the canceling of a debt."
True forgiveness always has an element of remembering in it--otherwise, it is denial, not forgiveness. Desmond Tutu, legendary for his forgiveness, says, "Forgiving is not forgetting; it's remembering – remembering and not using your right to hit back. It's a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don't want to repeat what happened." This particularly speaks to issues like abuse.
Though true forgiveness doesn't blindly or casually forget, we don't allow it to be forever etched on our hearts that those who hurt us are worthless sinners. Doing that allows evil to win. True forgiveness humbly acknowledges we all have sinned and fallen short of God's standard (Romans 3:23). It sees the one who sinned against us as someone also made in the image of God, loving that one unconditionally as Jesus loves us. This ups the chances that the person who hurt us will also experience God's amazing grace in powerful ways. There might be a day when forgiveness like this will even lead to reconciliation and restoration.
When we forgive as God has forgiven us in Christ (Ephesians 4:32), we help bring in the new Kingdom that Jesus leads. We forgive as God forgives us. This is how God transforms the world, and His Kingdom comes on earth as it is in heaven.