I grew up in the church since I was a kid and thought I was saved but fell away after becoming an adult. I carried the pain of being rejected by my physically abusive biological and psychologically abusive stepfather. I always felt an isolation and mutual contempt with the father figures in my life. That made me so resistant to putting my faith in Jesus and believing in God. I had no concept of a real earthly father, let alone a Heavenly Father. At my lowest point, I was a single mom still being psychologically abused by my ex, not making enough money to keep the lights on, and going days without food to ensure my son never missed a meal. I lived in survival mode for years and self-medicated to turn it off. Even after I was in a better financial situation, I never figured out how to transition out of survival mode mentally or emotionally. I was depressed, anxious, lost, and directionless. I realized the longer I tried to dig in my heels, be “independent,” and get through life without God, the more unhappy I was. 

Then, my husband, Kevin started reading the gospels with me last October, but my heart was still hardened. We had heard a lot about a show called “The Chosen” and decided to watch it to help me visualize the events we were reading about. As soon as I saw the tenderness in the eyes of the character of Jesus, I saw something I had been missing my entire life and didn’t want to go another day without. That feeling haunted me and followed me. A few days later I told Kevin that I still had so many questions and doubted my ability to hold up God’s standards. He told me God just wanted my heart and that I don’t have to have all of the answers, but at some point, I’ll have to decide to either follow Him or not. 

I know Kevin and Pastor Jacob prayed together for my salvation for at least a year, and on November 2nd, I threw myself at the feet of Christ for eternal salvation, not having all the answers, not being entirely convinced of what I believed, and still having a lot of questions. All I knew was that the longer I was in control of my life, the bigger the mess I made. That day God began a RADICAL change within me. I immediately became insatiably hungry for knowledge of and intimacy with God. My old heart and mind were thrown into the bin and exchanged for a heart and mind that desire to obey and mirror Jesus in everything I do. I reconciled with my estranged father and apologized to my little brother for our tense relationship. I began to guard my new heart and mind by filling my house with things that glorify God. I intentionally seek Him in prayer several times a day. I think the most impactful thing we are part of right now is the step-family cGroup. It draws us closer to other families in similar situations. It gives us a Christian guide we can follow that helps us navigate a delicate family dynamic that God never intended but can still bless and use to His glory. 

There isn’t any part of my life I recognize from before I met Jesus, and I couldn’t be more grateful!